A life of crime

This week I stumbled across a fabulous old article from The Onion. I didn't even know The Onion existed 10 years ago, did you?

Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam
September 23, 1997 | Issue 32•08

AKRON, OH—Area resident Helen Crandall, 44, was arrested by Akron police Sunday, charged with conducting an elaborate "sex-for-security" scam in which she allegedly defrauded husband Russell Crandall out of nearly $230,000 in cash, food, clothing and housing over the past 19 years using periodic offers of sexual intercourse.

"It's the biggest scam of its kind I've ever seen," Akron police chief Thomas Agee said. "We're talking coats, dishwashers, jewelry, sewing machines, bathroom cleansers—you name it."

Read the rest of the article here.

In somewhat related news, I'm thinking of applying for a job a found in the paper. Only a part-time job, though, so that I will still have time to continue whoring myself out to my husband.

Monolith

Whazzup?

My first boyfriend used to say "Whazzup?" to everybody. He'd write it in notes, too. Luckily, this was still long before it turned into an annoying catch phrase of a certain beer company, but still. Kinda annoying. But lots of things about him weren't quite right. Ah, youth.
Anyway!
Yup, I'm still here. Not to worry. Still feeling a little down. I'm talking with Tim about it. Maybe someday I'll talk about it here, too.

I just wanted to say thanks to the people out there who continue to stop by & read the ol' blog. I know some of you are more comfortable with calling me on the phone than posting a comment, so I also wanted to say that that is okay, too. I appreciate the phone calls, the e-mails, the cards, and the occasional comment. It's all good.

So what's going on 'round here? Not a whole lot. I managed to rake the garden! Hooray! But now there's more leaves on the ground than there were before. That's to be expected, though, because autumn is finally showing its face around here. I took some photos from our back deck earlier this week and in the few short days since then, I've noticed the trees have altered their colors slightly. I'll have to take some more photos over the next couple of weeks in order to capture the progression.

And yes, we really own every single one of the trees featured in these photos. I still can't believe it. As Mom says, we are quite blessed.

In other news ...
1. I went to the Parade of Homes with Laura and we had a fabulous time. There was one house in particular we both liked, but we can't seem to rummage up the required $3.1 million for it.
2. Did I mention that we got a HUGE aquarium for free from our friend, Dave? And that we set it up in the office? And that it's huge and free? Yay Dave!
3. And did I mention that we got a comfy chair for me to sit in & placed it next to said aquarium so that I can hang out with Tim while he plays on the computer? I'm sitting in that chair now & it's a fabulous thing. Tim & I spend a lot more time together now thanks to this chair, so it was a great investment.
... although I can hear george shrieking, "You got MORE furniture?!?!" Yes. Yes we did.

4. We spontaneously went out to dinner with Jennifer & Kyle on Thursday. I really really like Jennifer. I like her more every time I see her. She studied voice in college & still performs with a locale chorale group (although she pays the bills by making video games). She giggles a lot - like me - and thoroughly enjoys cute things - like me - but she isn't too painfully sweet - like (I hope) me.
5. Futher proof that autumn has finally arrived: I wore socks this week. This may have been my first time to wear socks in our new house. Unbelieveable, no? I had lots of fun sliding around on the hardwoods.
6. No, I'm not done with the dining room yet. No, I don't like to think about it. The ceiling is completely scraped, but now I'm so sick of it that I feel like sweeping up the mess and just ignoring the fact that the ceiling desperately needs to be painted. If any of you have tips on painting a ceiling, I'd love to hear them.
7. Yes, I'm still watching "America's Next Top Model". Go Heather!
8. Now I have also been sucked in by Canada's version of "Project Runway". It's pretty good! I don't like their mentor as much (his mustache is kinda creepy), but they have Iman! Fabulous, glorious, beautiful Iman! And the designers are very talented, too. My favorite is a chick named Carlie. Anyway, I mention this because I neeeeed to talk someone into watching it with me. Reality TV is so much more fun when I can chatter on for ages with others about it! The first episode is available on YouTube. Click here to see part 1.
9. I watch entirely too much TV. That is all.

Bleh

So here's the deal.
I'm having a difficult time.
I don't feel like talking about it. Tim says that's part of the problem. I just don't feel like burdening people with, well, me. I've spent so much of my life whining & I don't feel that I have a right to be depressed right now. And yet, I am.

So. That's why things have been quieter here again. I need to dig out of this slump, though. I need to finish what I want to do on the house. I need to rake the yard. I need to get my car inspected. I need to file ten billion papers. The list goes on and on.

But for a while, let's just focus on happy things. Okay? Okay.

Anti-kvetch: After record-highs in the 90s, the heat wave finaly broke this week. Our highs are in the lower 70s now! Woot!

Kvetch Up #2

Anti-kvetch: I went to an opera on Friday night with Jennifer. We saw "Marriage of Figaro". Good times! I didn't get home until about 2am. I'm a party animal! Woot!

Kvetch: Still no rain here. Le siiiiiiiiigh.

Anti-kvetch: Monday I finished scraping the popcorn ceiling off in the dining room

Kvetch: Honestly, there's still some places that need to be smoothed out a bit. And it still has to be painted. Bleh.

Anti-kvetch: I watched the first 2 episodes of "America's Next Top Model" on-line. I have been avoiding this show for years now, but after witnessing George & Holly's love of it while they were visiting me in April, I decided to give it a shot. Now I can talk with mah peeps about how Mila has no soul & debate whether we like Ebony or not.

Kvetch: I fear I will grow dumber and dumber every week if I keep this up. And if I start feeling fat after watching this show, I'm giving it up. Fer reelz.

Antikvetch: The episode round-ups on FourFour are FABulous, honey! If you aren't reading these babies, then your entire ANTM experience is seriously lacking. Read it.

MAJOR MAJOR Kvetch: On Tuesday morning, Tim realized that his greencard would expire in 48 hours!!!! Can you say, "Eep"? So he called the Department of Homeland Security & found out what we needed to do. He came home on his lunch break and we filled out forms and found various bits of documentation that (we hope) proves that, yes, we are still living together as a married couple. I will not tell you of the nightmarish encounter that Tim had at the post office. The point is ...

Anti-kvetch: The documents are mailed now and they should arrive on time. Barely.