Combating a case of wilt

I've been thinking for a couple of weeks that I should post a progress report on Project Bloom. There are a couple of reasons why I've been reluctant to talk about it.
1. For a long time, the news was all bad.
2. Lately I feel weird about talking intimately about myself. Photos are great, but when I think about writing about myself here, I kinda freeze up.
But I'm going to get over that because I know that some of you really care. So here goes.

June was a tough month. As soon as the family went away, Tim and I were forced to confront some ugly realities. He had applied for a job he really wanted, but had not gotten it. More than a month had passed since my audition in front of those 13 directors and not a single one had called back. I joked that it was our Spring of Rejection and tried to make it seem like we'd bounce back and we'd be fine, but in reality I took it very badly. This was no ordinary bout of rejection for us. It was a turning point. It was as if the world was telling us that we were no long good enough ... that we'd reached our peak and were now experiencing the long, painful decent into uselessness. This was made worse when I met a couple other people who had been trying for quite some time to break into the local theatre scene and who had been unsuccessful. "Too clique-y" one said. "Too much competition from transplanted professional actors," said another. Then one night we went to The Monti and the woman who auditioned right before me - the woman whose one-minute monologue stretched to four - stood up and told a story. Her bio listed all of her amazing accomplishments: her job as a college professor, her multiple professional acting and singing gigs, her appearances on NPR, and (of course) the one-woman show she had in the works. How could I - a lowly housewife from Oklahoma - compete with that? Everything began to appear pretty damn bleak. I felt hopeless.

I began to slip into a deep depression - the kind of darkness I haven't felt since 2003. I stayed in bed. I didn't get dressed. I easily went a whole week without leaving our house. I cried and cried and screamed at Tim and cried again. I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't know what to do with the rest of my existence. Frankly, I began to think that there wasn't much point to my existence. I know that sounds ridiculous, but if you've ever experienced depression, you know that it is extremely illogical. That doesn't stop it from being painful, though.

Luckily, I recognized the symptoms and they scared me into action. I know that deep dark well of depression - I lived there for quite a while in the early part of this decade - and I'd really REALLY rather not live there again. So I forced myself to get up. I made myself leave the house. And when I got an e-mail informing me that a local theater company was holding a one-day class on cold readings, I signed up for it. I still had my weak moments and I almost talked myself out of going to the class. But I stuck with it. I forced myself to go.

To be honest, the class was not my shining moment. I'm out of practice. Plus, I was paired up with a less-than-ideal scene partner. But after the class, I stuck around and talked to the instructor, Jay. He teaches acting at Duke plus he's the co-founder and Artistic Director of two theater companies in town that have caught my attention. We chatted for about 5 minutes, during which he asked if I would be available to appear in a promotional video for a local bookstore.



That's right. He offered me an acting job. Not a big one, mind you. No lines or anything. I would play a factory worker amongst a lot of other factory workers. But it was something! He had tossed a crumb of nourishment at my starving soul! So of course, I happily accepted the offer.

Last Thursday we shot the commercial. I woke up that morning with a raging infection in my right eye, but there was no way I was missing this! I knew I looked freakish so I was too shy to make friends with the other dozen girls. I feel bad for missing out on that opportunity. But it was still fun! It only took us about 30 minutes to shoot our scene. To thank us for our time, the bookstore gave each of us a $20 gift certificate. All this and free books, too? Woo hoo!



And luckily, Jay - the instructor/director/AD guy - has been extremely warm and encouraging and welcoming. I doubt I'll be on-stage anytime soon, but I feel like I have an opening. I have a chance to be a part of something more. I'm still a little reticent, but I also feel a spark of hope that I haven't felt in a long long time. It's a good feeling.

Enough dilly-dallying! The promotional video was sent out today, so I'm posting it here. You'll notice me at the 28 second mark. Enjoy!

Just Around the Corner from Jim Haverkamp on Vimeo.

OBX with the fam - Part 5

Before I get into this post, I'm going to ask my regular readers to do a little something for me. Just a tiny little something.
1. Turn towards northern England
2. Smile and wave
Thanks! You just gave a warm welcome to the newest reader of this here blog: my father-in-law, Ken. Glad to have you here, Ken!

Now some more photos from the Outer Banks.



Yes, I've been dragging this out too long, but time has been slipping through my fingers. It's been a whole month since our week at the Outer Banks. Hard to believe! But you all will indulge me as I share just a few more photos, won't you?

Here's a pic from the top of Corolla's Currituck Beach lighthouse. I've heard people describe the Outer Banks of North Carolina as "The Ribbon of Sand". This is why. Off to the left you see the Atlantic Ocean. To the right, there's the Currituck Sound.



Mom and I bravely climbed the steps up the lighthouse, despite Mom's fear of see-through stairs. Luckily, we survived unscathed! Hooray!


Now back to the beach.

I have discovered that whenever Tim and I go to the beach, we have a little ritual that plays out along the water's edge. First of all, Tim steps out into the cold water while I stay back and take some pictures.



Then Tim assures me that the water isn't that cold. My toes tell me otherwise, so I stay on shore and use my camera as an excuse.



Tim ventures out deeper. Occasionally he turns around to give me a big smile that says, "This is fun! And a bit cold, but fun! You should join me. You'll love it. G'wan now. Put the camera aside and get out here!"



And I don't know why, but that totally melts my reserve. He just looks too darn cute and happy out there. Besides, we're at the beach! What's the point if you don't actually go out there and get in the water, right? So I venture out. In this case, I handed my camera off to Mom and Aunt Fay, who chose to remain under our beach umbrella.



Wimps.

Here is Tim's big tip for surviving the cold of the vast, open ocean: Embrace the cold. Just accept that the water is going to be freezing. In fact, imagine that the water is so cold that it will literally freeze your toes solid. Then when the water hits you, it won't feel quite so bad after all. An interesting strategy.



My survival strategy incorporates Tim's advice, but I also like to lift my arms in order to keep them dry as long as possible. I also yell, "YAAAR!" whenever a wave hits me. It's kind of a cross between a battle cry and a squeal. But it works! Want proof? On this trip I was the first in the family to completely submerge myself in the ocean. Long hair and all. Take that!

Tim, our own Pied Piper of the Sea called others into the ocean, too.






This was a really nice vacation. The family enjoyed it so much that we're planning to do the same thing together next year, probably further south so we can enjoy new area attractions. Can't wait!

OBX with the fam - part 4

Yes, I have more photos to share from the beach. This time I thought I'd feature the wildlife ... some of it a little more wild than others.

A real live starfish! Cassie touched it and everything.


I guess this is some species of gull? Maybe? It was a lot bigger than most of the birds on the beach.


Numerous times a day, a line of pelicans flew low right by the house. Dad called it Pelican Patrol. Unfortunately, my timing was terrible when it came to the pelicans. They always seemed to fly by just as I shut off my camera! This is the best pic I could snag of Pelican Patrol. Hope you had better luck, Dad.


This dog is named Honey. She likes to wear hats.


Crabs on the beach at night. Note that each one of these is bigger than your hand.


Crabs found in our pool during the day. Yes, in the pool! Five of them!


Run away, little crab. Run far, far away!


One afternoon we hired a guy who drives a monster bus - yes, you read that right - to take us to see the wild horses. There are no proper roads up there, so only 4x4 vehicles that can handle the sand are allowed.






The horses are allowed to roam freely in this 12-mile stretch of the island. There may be no roads, but there are still plenty of houses.


Monster bus! Woo!

OBX with the fam - part 3

It's been a whole week since we got back to the beach & I'm still in a funk. I miss it! I miss playing cards and splashing about in the waves and eating dinner at a big table full of my loved ones! But enough whining. On to the photos!

The weather stayed cool until Tim arrived on Wednesday, but we managed to find plenty to do. We realized that we could see the Currituck Beach lighthouse from our 3rd floor balcony ...

... so we moseyed on down the road to check it out in person.

The area around the base of the lighthouse was absolutely adorable. Great old houses, quaint landscaping, etc. I wish I'd documented it better. I managed to snag a cute shot of Fay, Sammy, and Buster, so that's got to count for something, right?

Just a hop, skip and a jump away from the lighthouse is the nature center. They have some interesting exhibits about the wildlife in the area. I was oddly entranced by the display of old swan decoys.

Some of these decoys are about 80 years old. A number of them are made of fabric stretched over a wire frame. I especially love the decoy on the top right. It's a swan butt! Tee hee. Did I mention that I am 5?

Here's the view of the area outside the nature center from the footbridge.


It may have been too chill to put on a swimsuit, but at least it was windy enough to fly kites.

OBX with the fam - part 2

The weather has improved VASTLY in the last couple of days and this trip has been feeling like a proper beach vacation ever since. In the words of Calvin and Hobbes, the days are just packed!


One important piece of advice: If you ever decide to venture out on the beach in the dark of night in search of crabs, please PLEASE wear proper shoes - the type that cover your entire foot. I went barefoot and was soon terrified that I was going to step on one of the many many MANY crabs that were scrabbling across the shore. They were everywhere! And they'd stay still when we shined our flashlight on them, but as soon as we'd move that light they'd run TOWARDS us! Holy jebus, did I squeal. Cassie got a great laugh out of it, though.

At the Outer Banks with the family - part 1

On Sunday night (yesterday) we arrived at the beach house in Corolla. Unfortunately, this is not turning out to be the sunny, summer vacation we were hoping for. It's cold - highs in the upper 50s today - and very windy, but it'll get a bit warmer as the week progresses. No matter. We're having fun anyway!

The name of the beach house we're renting: Wave Watcher.


And there are certainly some waves worth watching.


Here's Ray on our boardwalk to the beach with the house in the background.

It's hard to tell in the pic, but this place is 3 stories tall, as are most homes here. It sleeps 14 people & has 3 living room areas. I think there are 10 TVs in this place. It also has a pool and a hot tub. It's totally insane ... as are we. Clearly.


What with the rain and all, we chose to stay indoors for most of our first 24 hours here. We played "Pretty Pretty Princess", which David won soundly (Can you see his earrings and necklace?), but he graciously let Sammy wear his crown.

We went to the aquarium. The otters were adorable, as one would expect from otters. I was also happy to see the giant puffer fish! Yay!

And we visited The Lost Colony, but I only managed to take photos of the ampitheater where they put on the big Lost Colony play every summer. This is the view of the stage from the stage manager's booth. Snazzy!


Just after dinner, a few of us decided to take a stroll along the beach.

Smile, Mom! You're at the beach!


Mom and Cassie search for interesting seashells ...


... while David and Sammy (and Ray) chase the waves.

At some point, somebody has got to get wet first. The four-year-old volunteered herself (and her mom) for the job.


Mom described the outing as "invigorating". I think that sums it up perfectly.

Pink Cake!

On Tuesday my mother will arrive. In approximately 90 hours, her plane will land & 2 weeks of fun & frivolity will ensue! We're going to visit the state farmer's market and see "The Color Purple" at the DPAC and maybe go to an arts festival. Next weekend my dad and Ray will show up and we'll all drive out to the Outer Banks where we'll spend a whole week hanging out with Uncle Buster, Aunt Fay, my cousin David, his wife Cassie, and their daughter, Sammy. Ten people in a beach house, visiting historic sites or splashing in the ocean by day, playing Rock Band and poker by night. It should be fabulous!

But before then, I have to get the house ready. That has been my whole goal this week. I'm trying not to be too much of a perfectionist this time around, but it's hard to turn that off. A part of me wants to make sure that everything is JUST RIGHT. Every surface must be scrubbed! Or freshly painted! Every need must be anticipated! Right?
Wrong.
I need to relax. It's just my family, right? They won't care if I still haven't painted the upstairs hallway. They won't care if the shower curtain is still a couple inches too long. They'll be happy just to be here. Right. I'll keep reminding myself of that.

By the by, it has been 2 weeks since the Big Ol' Audition and I have not heard from anyone yet. Le siiiiiiiiiiigh.


Random side notes (a la george)
Other things I did to celebrate my birthweek
1. Saw the "This American Life" live broadcast with Tim, Jennifer, and Kyle
2. Drove down to the new Ikea (only 2 hours away!) & bought a ton of stuff for the house
3. Got a giant 8 quart stainless steel mixing bowl that, luckily for me, also works well as an impromptu rain bonnet
4. Had the gang over (the usual 7 people) for a dinner party, for which we made the following
- swedish meatballs (yes, Ikea was the inspiration)
- boiled new potatoes
- sauteed french green beans
- yeast potato rolls (soooooooo amazingly good)
- 2 layer strawberry cake with buttercream frosting (because pink cakes are the best)