No, not dead. Just frustrated & sad and bleeeeeeeeeeeh. Bleh blah bloo. That's me.
Still haven't worked out the problem with posting photos. Grrr.
I'm kinda turning into a shell of my former self. Just like george, I watched "Sunset Boulevard" on the old movie channel a few days ago. Now I'm convinced that I'm turning into Norma Desmond. I stay in the house all the time & occasionally talk about the good ol' days when I was a STAR! of the theatrical STAGE! and such. Granted, Tim is not my butler & I don't have photographs of myself plastered all over the house. Plus, Liz can pull off the Norma Desmond eyes far better than I ever could. But you know what I mean.
It's not that I was ever a paragon of self confidence or anything, but at least there have been times in the past when I managed to (1.) figure out what I wanted and (2.) went out & got it. Now I'm not sure what I want, so I don't know what I should get. Do I miss theatre? Yes and no. That's partly why I haven't made any real attempts at joining a theatrical group here. Plus I don't have any theatre friends here. No one who can hook me up with a good group. No one to go to auditions with me. No one to really encourage me to do this thing. Yes, there are people we know who say, "You should audition for a play, Mary". But it feels empty because they don't understand what's involved. It's like those people who hear me talk about how we'd like to go back to England and then say, "Well then, you should just go!". Meanwhile, they have no clue how much such a trip would cost or the miserable exchange rate or how much vacation time Tim has left (answer: none), etc. It's all just pleasant platitudes with no real substance. "You should audition for a play!" Sure. And you should go to the moon.
I'm suffering from a very third-world problem. I know this. I have fallen into extremely fortunate circumstances & I understand that. Some people tell me that I am their hero ... a comment that instantly puts wrinkles between my eyebrows. Yes, I live in a cute house in a cute neighborhood with a cute husband and a cute cat where I cook cute food and watch the cute leaves fall from our cute trees. But what does any of this have to do with me? Please forgive me for the cliche I am about to utter, but Who Am I, Anyway? When I meet people at parties and they ask me what I do ... well, I don't do anything, so I don't know what to say. I don't want to tell anyone I am a housewife because they'll assume I am a boring, empty soul who is not worth time or effort. And maybe there's some truth in that, but I don't want the world to know it. So when I meet people, I make a point of steering the conversation a bit just to ignore that little question. I want people to realize that I have thoughts of my own and that perhaps I'm actually a bit funny &/or pleasant to be around.
But it's hard to convince people of that when I don't honestly believe it myself.
So there you have it. A lack of self esteem. And probably a lack of self respect, too. And a ton of confusion about what I want from this tiny little life of mine. All this complicated by a severe lack of motivation to do anything but sit around and watch reruns of Gilmore Girls. What the hell does Rory see in Logan anyway? I seriously don't get that.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
“We will receive not what we idly wish for but what we justly earn. Our rewards will always be in exact proportion to our service.”
Earl Nightingale
My 2 cents. The best way to escape a funk is to get outside of yourself. VOLUNTEER. A few hours a week focusing on others is amazing therapy. Whether theater or food or animals or whatever ... someone somewhere needs exactly what you have to offer.
Changing someone else's life can help you truly see the value in your own.
Besides, next time someone says " what do you DO ? " you tell the truth : you say that you do what you can to improve the lives of others through service.
I always hated Logan.
I do think you should audition for something. YOU'RE VERY TALENTED. (Even if you can't do Norma Desmond/Bette Davis eyes as well as I can. ;)) You are depriving North Carolina of your talent, and yourself of that outlet us crazy people need.
My two cents. :)
Ok my 8 cents worth...cause we know i talk too much...
What do you do?
A. Oh me? I run a wireless counseling organization that caters to the theater community. We have just gone bi coastal.
sorry i was just trying to make you smile.
"is this really my life?" is the question that has been rolling around in my head for a while. I still don't have a good answer and I bet that might surprise a few people. So keep in mind that you are in good company when it comes to feeling a little discombobulated about your world.
don't forget about my perfect life, sweetie. isn't it odd how we can only see ourselves from the inside most of the time?
one day last week i saw my life from the outside, and... well, we talked about that already. perfect perfect PERFECT, in a most maddening way! ugh, am i one of those people?!? other people will almost always be more interesting to me than i am to myself.
by extension of that, you will never be mayonnaise to me, no matter what you say. you are more like a spicy deli mustard. now go and get out of the house for a bit.
An Aardman project... http://www.creaturediscomforts.org/play/?v=6
enjoy :)
i have the same problem with the "question." i am a mommy but not a wife so it always winds up that we have to use language that does not fit me. don't try to avoid who you are or what you do. call yourself a baker or a chef or any of the other wonderful things you do. then defy someone to tell you otherwise. i try to bring it up first and own it so that i don't seem uncomfortable. it is hard. i think you are great and wish i could bake and cook like you do.
Post a Comment