A life of crime

This week I stumbled across a fabulous old article from The Onion. I didn't even know The Onion existed 10 years ago, did you?

Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam
September 23, 1997 | Issue 32•08

AKRON, OH—Area resident Helen Crandall, 44, was arrested by Akron police Sunday, charged with conducting an elaborate "sex-for-security" scam in which she allegedly defrauded husband Russell Crandall out of nearly $230,000 in cash, food, clothing and housing over the past 19 years using periodic offers of sexual intercourse.

"It's the biggest scam of its kind I've ever seen," Akron police chief Thomas Agee said. "We're talking coats, dishwashers, jewelry, sewing machines, bathroom cleansers—you name it."

Read the rest of the article here.

In somewhat related news, I'm thinking of applying for a job a found in the paper. Only a part-time job, though, so that I will still have time to continue whoring myself out to my husband.

Monolith

Whazzup?

My first boyfriend used to say "Whazzup?" to everybody. He'd write it in notes, too. Luckily, this was still long before it turned into an annoying catch phrase of a certain beer company, but still. Kinda annoying. But lots of things about him weren't quite right. Ah, youth.
Anyway!
Yup, I'm still here. Not to worry. Still feeling a little down. I'm talking with Tim about it. Maybe someday I'll talk about it here, too.

I just wanted to say thanks to the people out there who continue to stop by & read the ol' blog. I know some of you are more comfortable with calling me on the phone than posting a comment, so I also wanted to say that that is okay, too. I appreciate the phone calls, the e-mails, the cards, and the occasional comment. It's all good.

So what's going on 'round here? Not a whole lot. I managed to rake the garden! Hooray! But now there's more leaves on the ground than there were before. That's to be expected, though, because autumn is finally showing its face around here. I took some photos from our back deck earlier this week and in the few short days since then, I've noticed the trees have altered their colors slightly. I'll have to take some more photos over the next couple of weeks in order to capture the progression.

And yes, we really own every single one of the trees featured in these photos. I still can't believe it. As Mom says, we are quite blessed.

In other news ...
1. I went to the Parade of Homes with Laura and we had a fabulous time. There was one house in particular we both liked, but we can't seem to rummage up the required $3.1 million for it.
2. Did I mention that we got a HUGE aquarium for free from our friend, Dave? And that we set it up in the office? And that it's huge and free? Yay Dave!
3. And did I mention that we got a comfy chair for me to sit in & placed it next to said aquarium so that I can hang out with Tim while he plays on the computer? I'm sitting in that chair now & it's a fabulous thing. Tim & I spend a lot more time together now thanks to this chair, so it was a great investment.
... although I can hear george shrieking, "You got MORE furniture?!?!" Yes. Yes we did.

4. We spontaneously went out to dinner with Jennifer & Kyle on Thursday. I really really like Jennifer. I like her more every time I see her. She studied voice in college & still performs with a locale chorale group (although she pays the bills by making video games). She giggles a lot - like me - and thoroughly enjoys cute things - like me - but she isn't too painfully sweet - like (I hope) me.
5. Futher proof that autumn has finally arrived: I wore socks this week. This may have been my first time to wear socks in our new house. Unbelieveable, no? I had lots of fun sliding around on the hardwoods.
6. No, I'm not done with the dining room yet. No, I don't like to think about it. The ceiling is completely scraped, but now I'm so sick of it that I feel like sweeping up the mess and just ignoring the fact that the ceiling desperately needs to be painted. If any of you have tips on painting a ceiling, I'd love to hear them.
7. Yes, I'm still watching "America's Next Top Model". Go Heather!
8. Now I have also been sucked in by Canada's version of "Project Runway". It's pretty good! I don't like their mentor as much (his mustache is kinda creepy), but they have Iman! Fabulous, glorious, beautiful Iman! And the designers are very talented, too. My favorite is a chick named Carlie. Anyway, I mention this because I neeeeed to talk someone into watching it with me. Reality TV is so much more fun when I can chatter on for ages with others about it! The first episode is available on YouTube. Click here to see part 1.
9. I watch entirely too much TV. That is all.

Bleh

So here's the deal.
I'm having a difficult time.
I don't feel like talking about it. Tim says that's part of the problem. I just don't feel like burdening people with, well, me. I've spent so much of my life whining & I don't feel that I have a right to be depressed right now. And yet, I am.

So. That's why things have been quieter here again. I need to dig out of this slump, though. I need to finish what I want to do on the house. I need to rake the yard. I need to get my car inspected. I need to file ten billion papers. The list goes on and on.

But for a while, let's just focus on happy things. Okay? Okay.

Anti-kvetch: After record-highs in the 90s, the heat wave finaly broke this week. Our highs are in the lower 70s now! Woot!

Kvetch Up #2

Anti-kvetch: I went to an opera on Friday night with Jennifer. We saw "Marriage of Figaro". Good times! I didn't get home until about 2am. I'm a party animal! Woot!

Kvetch: Still no rain here. Le siiiiiiiiigh.

Anti-kvetch: Monday I finished scraping the popcorn ceiling off in the dining room

Kvetch: Honestly, there's still some places that need to be smoothed out a bit. And it still has to be painted. Bleh.

Anti-kvetch: I watched the first 2 episodes of "America's Next Top Model" on-line. I have been avoiding this show for years now, but after witnessing George & Holly's love of it while they were visiting me in April, I decided to give it a shot. Now I can talk with mah peeps about how Mila has no soul & debate whether we like Ebony or not.

Kvetch: I fear I will grow dumber and dumber every week if I keep this up. And if I start feeling fat after watching this show, I'm giving it up. Fer reelz.

Antikvetch: The episode round-ups on FourFour are FABulous, honey! If you aren't reading these babies, then your entire ANTM experience is seriously lacking. Read it.

MAJOR MAJOR Kvetch: On Tuesday morning, Tim realized that his greencard would expire in 48 hours!!!! Can you say, "Eep"? So he called the Department of Homeland Security & found out what we needed to do. He came home on his lunch break and we filled out forms and found various bits of documentation that (we hope) proves that, yes, we are still living together as a married couple. I will not tell you of the nightmarish encounter that Tim had at the post office. The point is ...

Anti-kvetch: The documents are mailed now and they should arrive on time. Barely.

Amy Sedaris on Martha!

In case you missed it ... :)

Another link dump

My computer has been acting funky, so I'm going to post a few more links here so I can close tabs & keep my system from crashing ... again. Grr.

My dream cooker:
http://www.elmirastoveworks.com/northstar.aspx?src=ranges
If I were rich & didn't care about resale & such, I'd get that baby in red. With a matching range hood. Oh yeah, baby!

Southern Accents Design Assistant:
http://designassistant.southernaccents.com/browse/accents/spcSearch?tab=Rooms&offset=133&rpp=12&Rooms=RoomsKitchens

HGTV message boards - Color:
http://boards.hgtv.com/eve/forums/a/frm/f/7644077072

Charles&Hudson decorating blog:
http://www.charlesandhudson.com/

Fancy french toast:
http://foodwishes.blogspot.com/2007/09/french-toast-fancy-brunch-restaurant.html

Link dump

Just dropping off some links to food sites.


Pumpkin muffins (from Smitten Kitchen): http://smittenkitchen.com/2006/10/promise-keeper-pumpkin-eater

More pumpkin muffins (with some additional instructions): http://feliciasullivan.com/?p=725

Molasses cookies: http://desertcandy.blogspot.com/2007/09/cookies-for-fall.html

Rose lassi: http://www.kurma.net/essays/e2.html

If you like that, you'll probably LOVE my favorite site for food porn: http://www.tastespotting.com/


And totally unrelated to food ...
For those who have trouble understanding my husband (or some of the language I've picked up from him), here's a guide to British slang: http://www.effingpot.com/slang.shtml

Made

Tonight I made a custard pie. Or perhaps one might say that I'm still in the midst of making a pie, since it's still in the oven. I really love to bake but, oddly enough, I don't like making pies. There's just so much faffing about and it's messy and although the end product always turns out spectacularly well, I'm usually worse for wear at the end of it (Note: I have 2 burns on my right hand now & I can't even type with my left thumb. Grr.). I think the biggest annoyance in pie-making is that I insist on making my crust from scratch. I don't know ANYbody other than me and my mother who still makes crust from scratch. It's like a dying art that I kinda feel an obligation to keep alive. Too bad it frustrates the hell out of me ...

Here are some other things I made within the last week.

1. A necklace

On Saturday I spent the afternoon with Jennifer & Shauna at a bead shop in Cary. The necklace I made is a little unconventional compared to what most people make at bead stores, but I like it. The large white jade beads are meant to look like morning glories - a flower that my mother grows at her house in Oklahoma.

2. Rosemary & Olive Oil Bread

I cooked this up to accompany some stew. I got the recipe from Emily over at "Inside a Black Apple". So warm and soft and delicious and wonderful! I suggest you store it in a ziplock freezer bag instead of foil. It keeps for a very long time that way. Yum!

3. The bed

I love our bed. I like to think of it as a great, big, fluffy marshmallow. Light and soft and lovely. But I'm not always so good about making it. This week I decided to change that. I remembered that I always made our bed when we lived in Brighton and it made it look so much more inviting at night, so I'm re-adopting the habit. Now you know, Mom. It may have taken me 32 years, but I have FINALLY learned to make my bed everyday.

4. A Potter addict

Recently I mentioned to Tim that I have read dozens of books that he had recomended to me, but that he had yet to read a single, solitary book that I had suggested. Since Tim had just finished reading some lengthy three-book saga about sex-crazed fairies, he agreed that maybe he should finally - FINALLY - give the Harry Potter books a try. Afterall, all of his friends had read them and they liked them, so why not? He could just read the first book and if he liked it, then maybe he'd eventually get around to reading the 2nd one. No harm in that, right? Well, he gobbled the first book up quickly. And hastily moved on to the 2nd. He read Book 3 within about 24 hours (on a work day!) and he's about to finish Book 4. Yup. I think he's been bitten by the Potter Bug.

Kvetch Up

My favorite little on-line community has a thread called "Kvetch Up" that is very active. People mainly chat in that thread & talk about what is going on in their lives. We "kvetch" about the bad & annoying stuff, but we also list our "anti-kvetches" (the good stuff). Often times when I write my blog, I think of the layout of entries in that thread & it's hard for me to break out of that pattern. So I'm just going to embrace it.

Anti-kvetch: It's BEAUTIFUL outside! The air conditioning is off and the windows are open. On Friday we got a good rain for the first time in months and suddenly everything is crisp and cool and gorgeous. The plants are happier, too.


Kvetch: The cell phone reception at our house is worse than EVER. I cannot conduct a single phone call without the line going dead. The longest I could stay on the line without losing reception was 2 minutes. SUCKS.

Kvetch: My laptop tried to die yesterday. It kept freezing up & had to be rebooted. Sometimes it took 15 minutes for it to reboot. UGH. Understand that I spend many many hours sitting on our couch with this thing on my little lap desk in front of me. Losing my laptop would be like losing my eyes. It was super stressful. It seems to be better today, though (touch wood).


Anti-kvetch: About a week ago we ordered a fancy DVD/book case with glass doors on the front. It arrived yesterday and it is SO pretty! It's almost as tall as I am & it holds sooooo so much stuff. And it looks so much better than the pile of cardboard boxes we've had in the corner of the living room for the past 4 months.

Anti-kvetch: Mom called to tell me some good news. It's a long story, but basically I gave her some advice & she took it & as a result, she's going to graduate with her degree in Spanish in December! She thought she was going to have to wait until May or possibly even December '08, but that isn't the case anymore. Hooray! Woo hoo!


Anti-kvetch: Mom was so appreciative that she sent me flowers. Aaaaawww!

Camellias

I am a wimp. I spent a lot of time working on the garden, which has resulted in a blister on the palm of my left hand. Typing is kinda painful. At least the garden is looking better. Sadly, a lot of the plants are trying desperately to die (the drought here is terrible!). But somehow the camellias are thriving. In fact, they started blooming this week.

"This day could one day be ... an anniversary"

Five years ago today, I walked off of a plane in Manchester, England and met my future husband. He was wearing a blue and white rain jacket. That was the main thing I knew - look for that jacket! I was so nervous & shy - as was he - but we said hello and made our way across the airport & to the train platform, where the English sky was drizzling slightly.

Tim says that when he first saw me, he knew I was the woman of his dreams. Sadly, I was far too nervous. I wasn't convinced he was meant for me until we got to the train platform about 10 minutes later.

There is a song by Jets to Brazil called "Sweet Avenue" that always reminds me of that first visit. It's a beautiful song & often brings tears to my eyes.

Tasting you and rain I ... walk down to the train
Trying not to look down
This day could one day be ... an anniversary
Everything is light and sound
Facing forwards, going slowly, wait for you to show me
Where this train wants to go
Living by the hour I ... stop for every flower
Everything is soft and slow
Now all these tastes improve through the view that comes with you
Like they handed me my life
For the first time it felt right

If you'd like to hear the song, you can click here and watch a video on YouTube (just ignore the "Pride & Prejudice" film clips) or you can click here and play with the music player on the fan club's website. But whatever you do, please pick one.

Anyway. Happy 5th Meetiversary to us. Here's hoping we continue to meet on this day for many years to come.

Paint chips

From left to right ...
Southfield Green, Oklahoma Wheat, and Teacup Rose
All colors from Benjamin Moore

My thought is that I'd put the green in the dining room, the "wheat" in the living room and hallway, and the "rose" in the kitchen. Very colorful, yes? But is it too colorful. Hmmmmm. This evening I set out these paint chips for Tim and asked what he thought. He said to go for it. I suspect he may have just been humoring me. We shall see.

A bunny! And other randomness

Well, bother.
This week I set myself a little goal. I was going to try to make one post on my blog every single day. Afterall, a lot of my favorite bloggers make posts nearly every day, so why not give it a go? Sadly, I had to skip yesterday because I got busy. But I am not giving up! I shall continue to post for the rest of the week! Yes!

And, lucky you, I made another ultra-short video today. This evening Tim and I were doing a bit of work in the scullery/laundry room when Tim noticed a bunny rabbit outside the window. It was at the foot of our driveway, eating the stray bits of green grass that haven't burned up in the drought. So of course, I had to get out my camera & record the cuteness.

At some point I'll have to record a video in which I use my normal voice rather than my precious cutesy voice.

In other news, I spoke to my brother, Ray, and although his car is still a mess, life is doing quite well for him. Today the big corporation where he works named him the Employee of the Month! Hooray! And I think they'll be giving him some money as a reward. Excellent timing, yes?

I also spoke to george and picked on her because she hasn't updated her blog since she entered the Central time zone. She assures me that she has recently unearthed her laptop and will provide an up-date shortly. So yay to that, too.

As for me? I am mulling over paint colors for the downstairs rooms in the house. Ah, what a thrilling life I do lead, yes? God help me, but a strange part of me - a very strange part of me, no doubt - wants to paint the kitchen pink. I can offer no explanation for this urge. The problem is that every color I like seems to resemble that fake pink flesh color found on band-aids. Not terribly appetizing. Hopefully I'll find a warm yellow that is good enough to distract me from Benjamin Moore's "teacup rose".

Shit+fan= life for my brothers at the mo'

This afternoon I received a phone call from my brother, Ray. One of the first things he said was, "You don't know how lucky you are to be suffering from a drought right now." It has been raining buckets in Oklahoma this summer. Flash floods galore. Today the torential rains struck again while Ray was driving along the Broken Arrow Expressway. His back wheels lost their grip near the Sheridan exit and he ended up hitting the barrier wall along the middle of the roadway. The good news is that Ray appears to be fine physically. Shame about the car, though.

In other familial news, my other brother, Mike, has been having a terrible time. First he was informed that he was being laid off (his last day is in about 2 weeks). Then an old friend died. And last but not least, he got a note from his landlord saying that his rent was going up about 53% in, oh, just 35 days or so. I am convinced this is not legal. And I am SOOOOOOOO UPSET that sombody is trying to pull this crap on my brother. It's really bringing out the Momma Bear in me. Grrrrrrr.

Things are looking up for Mike, though. He has been offered a place to live and he had a job interview today. If things work out right, he'll have more money than before & he'll have more time to do his photography. Imagine ... he may actually end up better off than he was a month ago before the shit hit the fan.

Is there a lesson to be learned here? Perhaps that sometimes beautiful things can come from the nastiest stuff? It makes one think. Do you think Ray's car wreck could result in something wonderful for him? Hmmmmm .....

Since I mentioned the drought before, yes, it's terribly dry here. Much of our lawn looks like a hashbrown. One of our trees was trying to die, so I'm watering it regularly now. The lovely by-product of this is that our rose bush has bloomed for the first time in 2 months. Yay!

We have cats!

That is to say, we have panda cats ... As in panda catfish! This is my very favorite type of fish, which is why Tim bought some for me on Saturday. They are black & white and tiny (less than 2 inches long). And they swim in a cute wiggly way and they like to hang out in groups. They will even cuddle up together in pairs or groups when they sleep! Isn't that adorable?!

So that you can better appreciate their cuteness, I made a video.

"The panda cats are bein' cuuuuuuute!"

Experimental cooking

Other than fretting over the proper use of turn signals and illegal blood-alcohol levels (.08, thank you very much), I have also been cooking this week! I finally broke in my food processor and made a Bakewell tart for Tim. This was one of our favorite treats in England. The bed of the tart has a layer of rasberry jam topped with an almond cream filling & a nice thin layer of icing on the top. I tried making one a few weeks ago without the food processor, but it was gritty & wrong. This time it was sooooooo much better! Almost exactly like what we would have in Bakewell. And it's all thanks to my new food processor. It would seem that there is love in my heart for more than one household appliance, afterall.



I also made an attempt at dulce de leche. The ingredient list is very short & simple; it's little more than milk and sugar. Mostly it takes time & attention. And, as I have learned the hard way, practice. The directions said to simmer for an hour & a half. I stopped after an hour, but it still turned out harder than it should have. I was wanting a jam-like consistency, but it's hard as a rock unless you heat it up in the microwave. Oh well! Guess I'll just have to make more. Somehow I don't think Tim will mind.

Testing ...

This week I finally did something that I should have done a year ago: I got my North Carolina driver's license. My Oklahoma license was only good through the end of August, so I had no choice.

But why put it off? Well, because the state of NC makes you take a test if you want to have a license in this state. Luckily, it's only a written test, but I was still terrified of it (I'll spare you the details of my first failed attempt at getting my OK license). I was so scared that I would fail miserably. Driving is one of those things I just do ... without thinking. It's like walking and breathing. How good could I possibly do on a test about the finer details of walking?

I studied for the test for hours, but I still put it off to the last moment - August 31st at about 2pm. I was just so sure that I would get tripped up by some sneaky questions. And sure enough, when I walked into the DMV, the first thing I saw was a young man, politely disagreeing with the person at the front desk over his failed test.
"But I'm sure the question was wrong. I read the entire manual and it never covered that."
"I'm sorry," said the DMV guy. "I don't get to write the tests. I just give them."
My hands immediately started shaking. My palms were sweating. I considered just flying back to Oklahoma and renewing my license there.

But I stayed & it all turned out well. An hour later I walked out with my new NC driver's license. I got every single question right! Woo hoo! I even appear to be smirking in my photo. The license is good until 2015 - my 40th birthday. I'm afraid I may have to take the written test AGAIN at that time. What a fabulous birthday that's going to be. :P


And did you hear? George and Derek have moved back to Oklahoma! Took her long enough to mention it on her blog, though. I've been biting my tongue for weeks. :D

"Like a tree. Or a high-class prostitute."

Before you all start to worry about me, I feel that I should assure you that my washing machine is not the only thing in this world that is bringing me joy lately. Honestly, I chose to make a video of the washer because it was a Wednesday morning and ... well, what else am I supposed to film? My toes? Besides, I like the cute little music it plays when I turn it on. The drier does the same thing! Eee!

Here are some other things that have made me happy in the past week.

1. Liz may appreciate this one more than anybody.
There is a HILARIOUS personal ad on Match.com right now. Jeezie creezie, it's a masterpiece. I read about it on Jezebel (which is sort of feminist-y, silly gossip blog). The ad is for a man who calls himself "TheGoodDr" and in the ad, he basically imagines the internal monologue of a woman who is on a date with him. It's stellar. Click here to read it.

2. I am finally - FINALLY - teaching myself some more advanced knitting stitches. I was inspired to do this because last week I needed to find a washcloth pattern for Shawna. I found what she wanted, but it had a few steps in it that I had never tried before. The name of this pattern: "Idiot's Washcloth". I realized that I needed to move past the "idiot" stage of knitting. Hence, lace work. Here's a link to the pattern. It's complicated, but I am currently on row 59 and have managed not to screw it up.

3. This week's obsession: Flight of the Conchords. I LOVE this show. These guys are like The Smothers Brothers with a splash of Newhart, but ... well, younger. And from New Zealand. I've only been able to watch 3 episodes of Flight of the Conchords, and that's after scraping the bottom of that big barrel known as The Internets, but I've watched oodles of clips of their stand-up routine on YouTube. If you have HBO (which sadly, I do not), then you must watch this show. It's on Sunday nights after Entourage. Here's the first song from the first episode just to whet your appetite.

First film

I can be such an idiot sometimes. I have owned this new camera since last Christmas and only recently did I realize that I can record movies with it. Picture me smacking myself in the forehead.

So this morning, just as an experiment, I made a little video of one of my favorite things. :)