Mary's got a big ol' butt!

During my stay in Seattle, I noticed a magnet stuck to g&D's fridge. I knew that I'd seen it before, but I think it had slipped my mind. I mentioned to george that I really liked the magnet. So she gave it to me. She's like that. What is that culture that believes that if someone compliments you on an object you should give it to them? I can't remember. At any rate, george must decend from those people because she gave me a ton of stuff while I was visiting. And don't worry; she swears she isn't planning on killing herself any time soon.

But that's neither here nor there.

I have a fondness for quotes. One year I asked for a giant dictionary of quotations for Xmas (and I got it!). I love to hear the differnt perspectives that people develop throughout their lives. That's why I liked the quote on george's magnet (now my magnet).

"You can't make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" - Bob Moawad

I'm thinking that I should call this my Buttprint Year. Honestly, I have done sooooooo little with myself. Back in Tulsa, my days were spent at a job that kept me extremely busy and my nights were filled with rehearsals and performances.
But now?
I'm not working. I'm not involved with any groups. I've made a few friends here, but I definitely talk to my old friends more often. Basically, I spend my days waiting around for Tim to come home. And on the weekends I am either cleaning & cooking in preparation for a dinner party or I'm doing nothing at all. I know this sounds pathetic and terribly sad. Sorry. I don't really want us to focus on that. Because the fact is ... well, that old job was HELL. I spent hours raging about it to whomever would tolerate me. As for theatre, I worked on 4 shows in a row after the wedding! I couldn't even move here at the same time as my husband because I was busy with a show. All of that time in theaters meant that I didn't spend nearly enough time with my husband & our relationship suffered as a result. None of this is true of my life now. Yes, sometimes it is hard to be in this new, strange place, but most of the time I appreciate the peace it brings. I notice that my shoulders are soft and relaxed. And shopping for nice ingredients and making dinner from scratch ... well, it's far more satisfying to me now than ever before. I still worry, of course - it is my super power, afterall - but not nearly as much.

The strangest thing, though, is that I think I am more friendly now than ever before. Remember scared, shy litte Mary? She still exists, but we don't see as much of her now. I find myself getting into conversations with random people all over the place. Sometimes I initiate the conversation (which is big for me!), but sometimes others randomly start talking to me. I wonder why this happens. Do I look lonely? Or do I look friendly? Or what? I can't say it's because the people here are just super nice because I've gotten into conversations with people from all over the country. Yesterday a woman from Florida started talking with me about lemon curd & Nutella, for heaven's sake. And that's a good thing! I love it!

But still ...
Something is missing.
Tim is worried that it's his fault. He worries that he forced me to move and that I'll never be happy here. I assured him that this is not the case - that I'm married to him, not Tulsa. And luckily, I'm emotionally mature enough to realize that I cannot and should not blame all of my problems on my partner. No, this problem is mine. It's aaaaaall about me.

I feel as though I am not participating in life. Rather, I am anticipating. I am patiently waiting. Waiting for Tim to come home, waiting for the next dinner party, waiting for my next vacation, waiting for my family to visit. But that's a hell of a lot of waiting. On my butt. Every day. There's got to be something more for me out there.

A funny thing about that magnet: yesterday I did a google search for Mr. Moawad. Looks like he lived in Tacoma, Washington. He had offices there and everything. And I use the past tense here because Mr. Moawad passed away recently. Indeed, it seems as though his funeral took place on the very day that george gave me this magnet. As silly as this may sound, I imagine it must be satisfying for his loved ones to know that he is still affecting people's lives, even though he is gone. Makes me smile.

People making me happy this week:
Tim (Of course!)
Derek (for probably the funniest phone call of my week)
Mom (for laughing with me when crying would have been equally appropriate)